Death to the Zeitgeist: 5 Excellent Off the Radar Melbourne Dining Establishments
On her, the food media cycle, and uncovered gems.
This is a safe space. You will find no mention of her here. Her, the all encompassing mega empire that is so all enveloping that the simple act of ambivalence towards her particular brand of inoffensive pop is seen as an act of unforgivable aggression. I wish you all well, and hope you had a great time. Just keep me away from it. I’ll concede “You Belong With Me” is Dolly Parton level song writing.
I’m in one of those moods this week where almost everything about the Australian food media is giving me IBS. It seemed this week that every media entity was falling over itself to dream up subsidiary content to feed off of the wave of hysteria surrounding her, and to me it represents the particularly cynical period we find ourselves in. Which era, if you will (these puns are making me physically ill, and will end now).
While I obsessively consume food media, and aim to contribute to it, it is far too beholden to the media cycle of hype and openings. There is a lack of creativity or objective thought behind a lot of what we see; it is often reactionary and reductive, and really, has very little to do with the act of running a restaurant or serving food. Even without the hysteria of a zeitgeist-like event such as the one currently enveloping Australia, the food media seems either afraid or unwilling to stray too far from the most basic and obvious content. We don’t need to be told that again Gimlet is a good place for a date, and we don’t need to keep being told that its burger is the best dish in Melbourne. It’s a fucking burger, guys.
I’ve found myself craving something more real. My mind turns to the restaurants and venues that aren’t part of the zeitgeist, overrun with influencers, and constitute 90% of standard food media content. The sort of place where the chef runs the Instagram, and maybe is a bit shit at it. Or the sort of place with no Instagram at all. No PR campaign, no elaborately conceived MFWF program, and they have never been graced by a Kara Monssen or Besha Roddell review. In the face of a repetitive and myopic food media and a class one hurricane mass cultural event, seeking out these places is all I could do to retain my sanity.
Adana Co
Where better to start than a place that does have an Instagram, but doesn’t technically have a restaurant. I was recently indoctrinated into the ways of adana kebab, and have never had one as good as the one I had from Adana Co in North Coburg. Out front of a Sydney Road window tinters, this unassuming kebab stand is serving incredibly high level adana, the spiced lamb skewers cooked over charcoal. There’s a care and precision to how these wraps are seasoned, grilled and prepared, at once intricate, thoughtful and primally satisfying. It’s comfort food, but it’s elegant, and the pride beaming from the team over their product warms the heart. Wash it down with an Ayran salted yoghurt drink, and contemplate your restorative, authentic Melbourne food moment.
850 Sydney Rd, Coburg North VIC 3046
Sonido
Brunch can be the most fraught of Melbourne meals if trying to step outside the zeitgeist; our litany of wonderful, world class blockbuster cafes do great work, but unfortunately attract the very worst of clientele. So we’re instead going to Gertrude Street institution Sonido, which has been serving wholesome and fun South American cuisine since 2010. It’s impossible not to be put into a sunnier state of mind at the sight of a plate of golden, steaming fried corn arepa, draped suggestively in griddled chorizo, with a perfect fried egg and a spoonful of spicy braised beans. It’s real food, unpretentious and authentic. The vibe is loud, fun and passionate, the coffee being pulled from a scruffy old beaten up machine, the mojitos poured by eye and delivered fast and cold. It’s a wonderful thing.
69 Gertrude St, Fitzroy VIC 3065
Good Bean Yarraville
I mean this with the utmost sincerity: Good Bean Yarraville is the best bad venue in Melbourne. The tiny takeaway cafe appears to be part of the broadly branded Good Bean coffee franchise, a sort of Coffee Club-adjacent group that sells mass produced pastries and average coffee, only it isn’t. While the Canva generated branding and posters remain, at some stage during the venue’s tenure the operators completely jettisoned this (likely toxic) licensing agreement and started serving balls out, authentic Vietnamese food. The young man who works there exhibits all the customer engagement skills of a broken ATM, only ever looking up from his phone to answer the blood curdling screams of a woman, who I believe is either his wife or more likely his mother, shouting instructions at him in Vietnamese from the back room. In addition to the incredibly fragrant, hearty and generous noodle dishes available, Good Bean serves wonderful, gigantic rice paper rolls, each one closer in size to a burrito. At $8 for a pack of two, these are amongst the best value dishes in Melbourne, and are full of excllent, fresh, crunchy salad. The food is magnificent, the service is non-existent to the point of aggression, and I absolutely adore it.
Unit 3/58 Anderson St, Yarraville VIC 3013
Mishra’s Kitchen
It is a uniquely Australian trait to be illogically devoted to your local Indian restaurant. Across the various addresses I have called home in my adult life, there have been quite a few, but the present affection I have for my local joint cannot be quantified. So much so, I hesitate to even mention it here, but this article is about breaking away from the zeitgeist and celebrating those not deemed cool enough to gather mainstream food media attention, so I’m going to let you in on a secret. Hidden away on a leafy street on the edge of Yarraville’s Cruickshank park is the most wonderful, beautifully daggy, perfectly imperfect Indian restaurant in Melbourne. Mishra has been plying his trade since 2011, his booming smile and incredibly generous spirit lighting up the inner West along the way. The food is excellent; a versatile blend of mod Indian-Australian classics, and more traditional regional fare. You could find yourself eating a gorgeous, luxurious goat curry redolent of freshly roasted and expertly balanced spices, and just as importantly, he’ll slap together a bogan butter chicken and a garlic naan when you’re drunk and in need of intervention. I’ve ventured in on nights where I have to fend for myself, and been rescued by the offer of a cheap off-menu curry, lentil and rice container, with added vegetables, and left feeling virtuous and cared for. A built-in tandoor churns out some of the best naan I've ever had, to the sound of the friendly team clacking away on an old calculator to deduct 10% for takeaway. And it’s bloody BYO. No airs, no graces, no pretence, no bullshit, no place I’d rather be.
18 Wembley Ave, Yarraville VIC 3013
Bluff Kup Cafe & Thai Kitchen
As a rule, the more expensive the real estate in bayside Melbourne, the worse the food. I’ve never been able to figure out exactly why most restaurants and 100% of the pubs from Elwood to Aspendale are bad, but they are, anyone trying anything remotely interesting destined to be run out of town. One theory is that the residents are largely house poor, having overinvested in ugly Brighton mansions, leaving them with little disposable income to spend on quality, interesting cooking. Or perhaps they crave the familiar nostalgia of the cheap restaurants of their youth, served by an old bloke with an adopted anglicised name like Keith or Mike, and plenty of BYO sav blanc, the nostalgia owing to the fact that bayside people very rarely actually leave bayside. I don’t know! But what I do know is there is an exception to the rule, the charming family-run Bluff Kup in Black Rock. Bluff Kup serves a good mixture of interesting modern-style restaurant dishes and traditional Thai favourites, in a comfortable setting. It’s an oasis in the otherwise desolate cultural wasteland of Black Rock; lively, zingy larbs and salads are a standout, as is a signature fragrant prawn & macadamia curry.
111 Bluff Rd, Black Rock VIC 3193