They are the merry morsels that inspire love and loathing in equal measure. A yuletide treat so divisive that to ingest one between the months of January and November is to be ostracised from one’s community. They attract the fanatical fervour of a messiah reborn and the delirious disdain of being stuck behind a Sydney Road tram in equal measure. In the realm of the edible, there are few entities as controversial as the fruit mince pie. I am a late adopter, brought about by the passionate proclivity my partner has for them, and can confess to being a mince pie denier in my earlier years. However, I am born anew, educated in the mysterious ways of these festive fruit delights, and I am now a mince pie truther, in no small part due to the many and varied excellent examples of them across Melbourne. With only a few days until Christmas, now is the time to release the definitive 2023 Melbourne Mince Pie Rankings.
It has become a tradition in our house. Each year, we undertake an exhaustive examination of the city’s best mince pies, painstakingly compiling a list, and awarding each one a score out of five. The criteria is fluid, but usually takes in the important factors of filling, pastry, texture, spice, booze quotient, and that ineffable, intangible accreditation that can only be bestowed upon one pie, the one pie to rule them all: Christmas Day worthiness.
In recent years, a surprising contender has emerged to dominate festivities, winning both the 2021 and the 2022 award for best pie: Mork, the beloved Mebourne artisanal chocolatiers. Their non-traditional pie, with its perfumed cacao nib-accented fruit mince and aromatic, savoury cocoa pastry, is attempting an unprecedented hat-trick of championships. Will Mork cement its legacy and enshrine itself into mince pie folklore? Or will a new contender stake its claim as the consensus, undisputed mince pie champion of Melbourne? Pour yourself a snifter of port, sit back and revel in the sheer ridiculousness that is this profoundly unimportant list.
The Mince-stream
We are an entitled, pretentious lot in the Southern capital. We revere the niche and hidden purveyors much more than the ones frequented by the unwashed masses; the smaller and more difficult a place is to find, the better. I myself cannot fathom eating a croissant unless I know it has been arduously procured from some secret back alley pop-up patisserie, hidden behind a secret roller door and only accessible via password. But this festive season, in the spirit of giving, I have deigned to apply a more egalitarian perspective to my mince pie inquisition. That’s right, this year I pledge to take in all mince pies great and small, giving equal consideration to both the mass produced and the micro-bakeries. The results, predictably, were disastrous.
Woolworths Gold Gin Infused Fruit Mince Tarts With Davidson Plum
Topped with an ill-advised crumble topping, these deeply offensive pies are an affront on multiple counts. For one, the attempt to incorporate native ingredients strikes me as a deeply cynical one, likely dreamed up in a boardroom. An artificial filling, bereft of any discernible flavour other than “sweet’, has the texture of stale chemist jelly beans. The only redeeming feature is that at $11 for a six pack, they are the cheapest “pies” on the list, so if you have a friend who happened to have lost their sense of taste in a Korean BBQ accident, these could serve as a cost effective gift.
0.5/5
Bakers Delight
Less a mince pie and more a sugary shortbread filled with jam, these were a letdown given that I am a known Bakers Delight apologist. Not one for the ardent tart-heads, these were far from inedible, but had no discernible characteristics.
1.5/5
The Disapoint-mince
The pies from beloved, revered bakeries that fell short of expectations in 2023.
Baker D Chirico
Possibly Melbourne’s most iconic bakery, these mince pies come highly recommended. It brings me no joy to report that these were the most disappointing pie we sampled in 2023. The pastry is incredibly pale, almost as if uncooked, with a short, sandy texture. The filling is pure sugar, lacking any spice, booze or textural components, and tasted of cheap hotel buffet jam. Please forgive me, Daniel.
2/5
Falco
I really like Falco. I find their bread to be excellent, their Viennoiserie and cake work usually very good. Famously, their sandwiches are some of the city’s best, bulbous beauties worth braving Smith Street traffic for. Regrettably, this year’s mince pie was not a reflection of the bakery’s normal standards; pleasingly symmetrical, the pies are smaller than most, and more expensive than many at $5. Whilst nicely aromatic, the filling is too sweet and dry, perhaps owing to over caramelisation. Lacking in any definable flavour, the pastry is uninspiring.
2.5/5
The Honourable Mince-tions, or Pie-ssobilities
They’re not quite top 5, but you could do worse than these on Christmas day.
Oven Street Bakery
Beloved back-alley Brunswick bakery Oven Street is about as Melbourne as one could possibly imagine, a local institution that has evolved into a genuine tourist attraction. Famed for their outstanding dark crusted bread and a customer service style that oscillates between disinterested and outright suspicion, I had high hopes for their mince pie offering. Larger than average with a rustic, dark lid, the pastry is outstanding: crumbly, buttery and substantial. A disappointing continuation of a modern trend, there is very little spice present, and far too much sugar going unchallenged. The addition of nuts is pleasing. An able backup.
3/5
Woodfrog
Now boasting 14 shops across Melbourne, the little Barkly Street bakery that could is a personal fave for its unpretentious style, and is home to my personal favourite baguette in the city. Their mince pie has a deep, rich aroma and juicy, dense texture, the use of fig giving the mix a refined, natural chew. Whilst lacking in spice, it has good texture from nuts, and is in contention for the top 5 of 2023, if not for one fatal flaw; our pastry is badly undercooked, and raw in some places. As we have not had occasion to revisit Woodfrog to see if this was a one-off or not, owing to the strenuous nature of our Mince pie judging schedule, we have decided to give Woodfrog the benefit of the doubt, and include it in our honourable mince-tions.
3/5
Mork
The king is dead, long live the king. Not only has the back to back champion not won the 2023 award, it has fallen out of the top five completely. Mork has decided to radically change their recipe, completely overhauling their approach, and doing away with the cocoa flavoured pastry that made it so unique. In its stead, a wide shell-style pastry, perhaps overly crisp, lacking any real flavour, and a violently sweet filling. Gone is the complex, savoury aroma of previous incarnations, and while cacao nibs remain for texture, you can’t taste them above the clinging saccharine oppression of the sugar. What has happened, bakers of Melbourne? Has there been a city-wide edict to flood the market with sugar, and save money on spices? This one hits hard; I’m despondent. Please, Mork, if you are within the sound of my voice, please, I’m begging you; go back to the original recipe.
3/5
Minceperational: the top five of 2023
This is rarefied air; we now present the five best mince pies of 2023.
5. Candied Bakery
Spotswood stalwart Candied is one of the hardest working bakeries in town; few offer the breadth (pun intended) of choice that Candied do, from loaves, to cakes, to pastries, to hot dogs, to soft serve, to pizza, to everything in between. It is a Wonkaish, fun place, with an unsurprisingly enjoyable mince pie. Pastry is buttery and moreish. Filling is dense and generous, a high filling-to-pastry ratio. Again, these verge towards sweetness, with a heavily sugared lid not aiding matters. A pleasing boozy waft sings through, and while spiced, it could be spicier, and lacks the texture of peel or nuts. We deemed this pie to be Christmas day worthy.
3.5/5
4. Cobb Lane
Once a beloved Yarraville bakery cafe, Matt Forbes’ Cobb Lane has evolved into one of Melbourne’s biggest wholesale bakeries. Understandably, with such dramatic expansion, quality has fluctuated, but when it hits, Cobb Lane really hits; in fact, these were the mince pies I stocked at my own venue. They have a crumbly, dark pastry and savoury, peel-forward filling. They flirt with savoury, redolent of the British Eccles cake, unsurprising given Forbes is a Brit. These could even be eaten with cheese for a Christmas night supper. Somewhat lacking in booze, I’d still proudly serve these at Christmas.
4/5
3. Sweet Greek
Kathy Tsaples is the beating heart of Prahran Market. Her beloved takeaway stall and bakery, Sweet Greek, is famous for its salads, desserts, and transcendental spanakopita. It’s one of my absolute favourite shops in Melbourne; you can feel the warmth and love in every bite of every single item. It should come as a surprise to no one that Tsaples and the Sweet Greek team are equally adept at anglicised baking as they are Hellenic; thin, skillfully formed pastry crumbles nicely, giving way to a generous, chunky filling, heavy on peel and spice. A unique sourness, perhaps from dried cherries, adds balanced depth. These are classic, refined pies.
4.5/5
2. Bread Club
North Melbourne’s Bread Club joined the burgeoning local bakery boom in 2020, at the dawn of the pandemic. It became a beacon for North Melbourne regulars, and no doubt owing to its incredible popularity and long queues, a veritable petri dish for viral transmission. I love it all the same; in 2022, Bread Club expanded to Albert Park, one of Melbourne’s few lockdown success stories. Their entry into mince pie mania is partly here due to its sheer bravado; this is not a traditional pie. Our selection panel is not opposed to innovation: as long as it still resembles a mince pie and tastes good, there are no limits to where a baker can take their pie. Bread Club’s feature a surprising ingredient: rhubarb. The unctuous, sour tendrils of fruit lend a soothing tartness to the boozy, elegant mince filling. Good pastry is balanced, not sweet, glimpses of quince and clove creating excitement in every bite. Very nearly the pie of 2023, these are a most worthy Christmas day offering, particularly to those who don’t mind a bit of innovation.
4.5/5
1.Monforte Viennoiserie
Regulars to this diminutive Canning Street micro bakery will not be surprised to see Monforte at number one on our list. A beacon of quality and refinement, Monforte has been a hit from the go, ticking all the boxes of trendy Melbourne cult hit venues, but always underwritten by an integrity and purity of purpose. Monforte’s entry had us on the back foot from the start; they are tiny, at least 30% smaller than your average mince pie. What is lost in size is gained in quality; incredibly robust, dark, and yet flakey pastry that melts into a buttery dream in the mouth. Filling is tart, with adequate spice, and while lacking in peel, it has a luxurious hit of booze. A richly textured two-bite delight, these marvellous minced fruit mouthfuls are the deserving winner of the best pie of 2023.
4.75/5
We here at Bureau of Eating & Drinking wish you a very restful holiday period, however you choose to celebrate.
Thank you to all of our wonderful subscribers: it’s been incredibly exciting to have the newsletter embraced so warmly. Please continue to share it amongst your friends.
We’ll continue to post over the holiday to keep your Summer reading requirements met. We have a year in review piece coming, and some exciting features and interviews on the schedule.
Special thanks to the beautiful Alice; for saving my life, and allowing me to be co-chair of the mince pie committee. I love you.
-Jay